Sometimes it's hard to be patient. I'm waiting and listening, listening as hard as I know how to the world around me. I'm listening for answers to all my questions, but mostly what I hear is the wind in the aspen trees whispering in a language I can't understand in words. I want to know so many things - how much is enough, where to take a stand in my life, what work is worth doing. I like the idea of doing what I love, but I love so many simple things that I can rarely piece it together into a complete life in my mind.
I listen to the crunch of packed gravel trails under my feet - I ruminate as I walk the uneven brick sidewalks in Philadelphia - I try to clear my mind as I hit the hot pavement in New York Augusts - I try to open my mind biking through the old, tired black neighborhoods of north Oakland. Can you strain the muscles in your ears? It's hard when you don't know what you are listening for. I keep telling myself I'll know it when I hear it. Is it the laughter of the children I miss in Palo Alto? Is it the touch of a lover's hand on my face? Is the scent of trees as I ride through early morning cool air? The patterns are there, repeated in endless ways and in countless themes. I know some things that feel good. Where is my internal compass so that I can navigate all these wonderful things in life and arrive somewhere?
I'm trying to be patient. I feel the rush of the currents around me, swirling over rocks and splashing over weirs and full of salmon hurrying the other way. I feel it when my friends get married, go to grad school, buy houses, and many other things. I love them all dearly - it's just hard when I have yet to feel sure enough about one path to take these steps.
tiny blue flowers
fill alpine meadows, bright clouds
roll over my thoughts.
silver dollar leaves
flutter dark before midnight,
blue sky sinking slow.
2 comments:
Straining to listen hard is a little like trying to bike uphill with all your muscles contracted at the same time. What I feel most grateful to hear in the wind is more (better?) questions.
Sometimes it's not what you listen for, but what you hear, that's important. Maybe try hearing, not listening.....?
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