love's recovery

I saw it in bits and pieces, felt it in the breeze on a surprisingly cool August evening, saw it in the stars that came out to speckle the rural sky, tasted it in the sweet bites of mild chocolate cookies, heard it in the creak of the stairs in a loved and lived-in old house, felt it in the spaces in-between. I felt moments of faith, uncritical and unfiltered, allowing my own senses to quiet and to get gently washed away like rocks etched and loved by the surf. I felt faith in everyone around me doing the best that we can - I felt love between two dear friends getting married in the sunshine of a sweet grassy field and garden, I could almost taste the connection with the earth in the farms of the countryside, I felt the warmth of a life spent caring for each other as I danced with a great love in the fading evening.

So often I see something happening in the world around me, and my mind fills right away with too much criticism. I see a wedding and think of the statistics of failed marriages. I see a homestead out in the country and I think of all the resources it takes to live out there. I see city blocks aglow in the charge of an impending thunderstorm, but think of the ecological footprint of the city. It's been nice to let go of those immediate reactions and instead embrace the moment first, let myself be carried away. Listening to the ferries clanging on the Hudson river as I walk the Manhattan shoreline, smelling the pesto and sizzling cayenne on fresh vegetables at the sidewalk cafe, savoring the ice cream from a tiny parlor at a crossroads town, wrestling with a friend 'til we collapse in laughter and sweat and crumbled angst washed away in the draft from the window. The judgement is still there if I want it, right behind the door waiting to come in. And it is still quite useful in discerning many things about myself and this crazy world. But it feels so good to let it go a bit...

Sometimes this summer I've felt like I'm meeting life again in a new way, changing my filters and shaking up my own prejudices, judgements, and defenses. It feels beautiful! I haven't yet discovered a strong sense of direction from these experiences, but they are sweet and lull me to sleep through the August nights as we roll on towards autumn.


"And did you get what
you wanted from this life even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."

- Raymond Carver



Whoever is reading this, I miss you and wish you well.